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Dhikr For the Mum on the Run

  بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
In the Name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

 

Wake up, Fajr salah. Get the kids up, breakfast, uniforms, school bags. Check. Rush to school. Back home, do the dishes, vacuum the living room, prepare lunch and dinner, Dhuhr salah. Check. 3:30pm, pick up the kids, fix a snack, finish making dinner, ‘Asr salah. Help with homework, teach Qur’an, Maghrib salah. Dinner. Get the kids to bed. Isha salah.

Your eyes drift as soon as your head hits the pillow. You promised yourself that you would recite some words in remembrance of Allah , but your slumber overtakes you.

This can be the day to day routine for mothers, with hardly a minute to stop for some ‘me’ time. Many sisters and mothers suffer from stress, increased by the guilt that we don’t manage to do as many extra acts of worship as we would like to do.

Allah explains to us that:

“And whoever turns away from My remembrance, indeed, he will have a depressed life” [Qur’an: Chapter 20, Verse 124] and Allah says, “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” [Quran: Chapter 13, Verse 28].

It is clear that remembering Allah and doing adhkaar, can have a profound effect on the busyness of our lives, giving a sense of peace and serenity in midst of a hectic and tiring schedule. The irony of the situation is that in today’s busy life, being a ‘mum on the run’, trying to juggle between different roles, while multi-tasking, we are unable to find an empty slot to dedicate to the remembrance of the Giver of this time.

In this article, we will remind ourselves of the objective of dhikr, types of dhikr and how busy mums can incorporate more dhikr into their daily lives.

Purpose of Dhikr: Soul’s Nutrition

Allah has created us in a combination of body and soul; that is, we are a blend of the physiological and psychological needs. That’s why Allah has provided rizq (provision) for both.

We tend to focus on nurturing the body by catering to its needs while neglecting the requirements of the soul. We allow it to crave and weaken to the extent that our healthy body, aided and nourished by the desires of the nafs (lowly self, prone to sin) tramples the soul and takes over.

The purpose of dhikr is to purify hearts and souls and awaken the human conscience. When the heart is at rest or is composed, we tend to function well. We feel proactive and productive. We also feel satisfied with our internal state of being.

Types of Dhikr and Virtues of Remembrance of Allah :

There are two types of dhikr:

1. Qalbi dhikr (Remembrance with the heart)
2. Lisani dhikr (Verbal Remembrance)

Out of the many virtues of dhikr mentioned by Ibn al Qayyim in his book Al-Waabilus As Sayyib, here are a few:

• Dhikr keeps away Shaitan and weakens his strength, which makes it easier for one to inculcate positive habits.
• Dhikr relieves the mind from anxieties and worries; as a result one is able to channel him/her towards more beneficial and productive tasks.
• Dhikr produces joy and happiness in the heart resulting in a more energetic and proactive attitude towards life. The desire to aspire for substantial objectives in the given time helps one focus on bigger and lasting goals.
• Dhikr strengthens the body and mind. This serves as an integral part of productivity without a sound and strong body and mind one cannot hope to be productive.

The main reason for a believer to be productive in life is to be able to acquire most khair (goodness) out of this temporary life in order to attain the perpetual bliss. Therefore, dhikr serves as a strong pillar in this respect. It induces love for Allah ; which, in fact, is the spirit of Islam, the pivotal point of deen (religion), and the source of success and salvation in the Hereafter. For mothers, it is important that dhikr is a routine part of the day, as this will enable the children to love and cherish the smalls words of remembrance.

6 Steps to Make Dhikr Part of Your Life – The Ultimate Dhikr List

Here are a few ways of incorporating dhikr in to our busy routine:

1. Make Du’a and Remember Allah’s Favours

Make lots of du’a, especially after every fardh salah to be blessed with barakah in your time. Beseech Allah to help you remember Him at all times, especially in pleasant times. If we prioritize Him during the times of ease He will certainly prioritize us in our times of distress inshaAllah. This can be mental du’a while you are on the run, or reciting du’as from the Qur’an and Sunnah.

Additionally, designate at least fifteen minutes out of 24 hours every day, to contemplate and to consciously remind yourself of His favors upon you. Try to be deeply thankful and grateful in your heart. The best time for this would be around any salah, as one is already tuned into the spiritual mode. Recognize your dependence upon Him and your need to turn to Him every moment of your life, which ultimately leaves a loyal servant with no choice but to evoke His master. This way you would have practiced qalbi dhikr (remembrance with the heart).

2. Salah and Reciting Qur’an

One of best forms of lisani dhikr (verbal remembrance) is salah. Try to be punctual and strict about establishing salah at its prescribed time and with khushoo (humility). You can do this by planning your routine chores around the five salah by dividing your day into chunks of hours assigned for completing various tasks. For example, you can plan to finish cooking and cleaning 15 minutes before Dhuhr Salah so that you are mentally and physically prepared for your prayer before the adhan is called. Salah is one of the most effective ways to get rid of anxiety and depression as by doing so you are conditioning yourself to rely only on the Creator.

Regular Qur’an recitation with understanding and contemplation is yet another virtuous form of lisani dhikr. Allocate a specific time, e.g. before or after Fajr Salah and/or after ‘Asr Salah and/or after ‘Isha Salah are the times that are recommended by most scholars. Begin with reciting an ayah from a Qur’an app from your phone or a small mushaf, after every prayer so that reading Qur’an, however small the amount, becomes a routine part of your day. It is absolutely acceptable to start with keeping your sessions short; once you inculcate a habit of regular Qur’an recitations, increase your sessions to a relatively longer duration.

3. Perform Dhikr While Doing Routine Work

Allow yourself time slots when you are performing chores that do not require your mental presence (e.g. washing dishes, cooking) to perform conscious lisani dhikr that implies absorbing the gravity that these words (adhkaar) hold.

You may choose a specific dhikr to be said while doing a particular chore every day. For instance, you can write “subhanAllahi wa bihamdihi” on a post-it note and paste it on your kitchen cabinet as a reminder to recite it while cooking. Try to avoid monotony and use the different times of day for various adhkaar (plural for dhikr) as prescribed in the Qur’an and Sunnah.

4. Listen to Dhikr Regularly with Your Children and Make Use of Technology

As for qalbi dhikr, you might want to listen to Islamic lectures or tune in to the Qur’an recitations while spending time with your children or while driving or cleaning. There are thousands of beneficial lectures on YouTube that can be downloaded onto CDs, allowing the children to get involved by choosing the lecture for that day.

Make it interesting by listing all the lectures and recitations you have downloaded on a post-it note so you can easily navigate between the different resources depending on your spiritual need at that time, and you can see the progress you have made in listening to them.

Make use of technology by downloading various apps with morning and evening adhkaar and other colorful adhkaar apps for children, on your phone, iPad etc. This way you will be able to recite them with your children on the move or just before going to sleep.

5. Remember Allah in your discussions – have “Coffee Mornings”

Arrange productive coffee mornings with other mothers on a school day when the kids aren’t around and organise halaqaat dhikr. These coffee mornings can be scheduled once every month to serve as short and sweet reminders.Try as much as you can to initiate or participate in a positive discussion about Allah and everything related to Him, which will in sha Allah transform your ordinary chatting into a rewarding, fruitful and productive interaction. The mothers can also exchange tips on managing hectic schedules and can give you some productive time with your friends. As, He says that those who remember Him secretly, He remembers them privately and those who mention Him in a gathering, He makes a mention of them to a much more respectable gathering, which is of the angels [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

6. Collective Dhikr with the Family

Decide a day of the week when you can indulge your family in an interesting way of collective dhikr. You might want to introduce brief explanation of small surah from the Qur’an or stories of the Prophets and Sahaba to your children. One of these ways could be by doing arts and crafts. You can make small greeting cards for Eid, or make small books out of paper with short adhkaar such as “Alhamdulillah, SubhanAllah, Allahu Akbar” written on them. This will help your children associate dhikr with something fun and verbal recitation will help them memorize the adhkaar.

Being a ‘mum on the run’, you cannot hope to be progressive, proactive and dynamic unless you nurture positivity within yourself by nourishing your soul and responding to its needs. This can only be achieved when you consciously make an effort to take a step further towards self purification which in turn will help you become a better Muslimah and a productive Mommy in sha Allah!

Moreover, what we need to understand is that the excuse of not finding time to amplify and gratify Him will neither help our situation in this life nor will it intercede for us in our afterlife. Therefore, let’s prioritize the remembrance of our Creator in our lives, to have a blessed existence in this life and to acquire perpetual bliss in the akhirah, ameen!

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Do you worship Ramadan or Allah? [Juz 2]

Do you worship Ramadan or Allah? [Juz 2] - Nouman Ali Khan

A Woman of God

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
In the Name of Allah,

the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

  

In the past week or so, I have had a number of mini-revelations
about myself that has led to an ultimate one: I want to be a woman of Allah. A woman of God.
What does that mean?

For me, and at this point in my life, it means that I want to live for my Creator (and He is free of all need). Why? Because up until now, everything else that I have lived for has brought me some type of misery.

I have lived for the material world and found myself both over and underwhelmed by the facade that exists behind its attractive exterior.

I have lived for people and been betrayed, let down, hurt, taken advantage of, neglected, under-appreciated and belittled.

I have lived for attention and the sake of pleasing those around me, only to be left feeling unlovable, never good enough, and unable to be everything for everyone.

I have lived for my emotions only to become intoxicated and disillusioned by both fleeting moments of perceived happiness, and horrifying depths of despair and darkness.

I have lived for my lowly, base, and carnal desires only to feel ashamed at my lack of self-control, determination, and will-power.

I have finally come to understand that living for the sake of anything except Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He), will never fill the many voids that reside in my heart and instead, only create more. I have come to realize that I was attempting to medicate with poison; that I was stubbornly trying to fill a hole in my heart with things that would – and could – never complete me. With the temporary. The finite.

And yet, at the very realization that my heart could only be filled with the infinite love, remembrance, compassion, mercy, and blessings that come only from my Lord, my heart began to swell as the voids were steadily filled.

Reading these words may lead you to believe that I have reached some metaphorical illumination or level of enlightenment. But the truth is, I say these words knowing very well that I am a sinner. That I self-sabotage on my journey to Him by constantly disobeying His commands and neglecting my duties towards Him. I say these words as someone who has acknowledged their short comings, and who seeks to better themselves in whatever capacity they can. I say this as someone who is slowly, but surely, on a journey to self-realization, acceptance, and (insha’Allah) true love.

I say this as a young woman living in a world that she does not truly feel she belongs in. As a young woman searching for the divine while attempting to make peace with herself and her demons. As a young woman who has looked for love in the wrong corners and has now turned to the very source of it. No, not turned, but ran. Sprinted. For this transformation that she has felt herself undergoing is one of urgency, driven by the lack of satisfaction with the dunya (this life), devils, and desires.

It’s funny because when we think of a person of God, a certain caricature pops into our minds – typically someone who embodies humanity’s ideals of upright character, morals, and ethics: a monk, or ascetic. Someone who has completely given up the world and what it contains.

However, I do not fit this caricature whatsoever. In fact, none of us do. Which is why, and beautifully so, that a person of God may be recognizable only to God Himself. To the rest of the world, they may simply be “so and so”. But to Allah (swt), they may be someone who has attained His mercy, nearness, and blessings; His love and guidance and pleasure.

Becoming a woman of God, for me, ultimately means establishing a connection to my Creator so strong, that nothing – no circumstance, person, material, mood, or ideology – can come between us. It means that I seek my ultimate counsel, friendship, nearness, love, hope, trust, fear, companionship, acceptance, and reliance from Him first and foremost. Being a woman of God means that I have taken the following hadith to heart and strive to become the one about whom Allah (swt) says:

“When I love [them] I am [their] hearing with which [they] hear, [their] seeing with which [they] see, [their] hand with which [they] strike and [their] foot with which [they] walk.” (Bukhari)1

It also means that my empowerment comes from Him alone. Not society, fashion, billboards, magazines, or false, unattainable standards. But from the One who is the Most Just. From the One who will accept me regardless of my appearance or flaws. From the One who will look at my heart and judge of its soundness and sincerity.

As whimsical, far-reached, unattainable or even pretentious as it sounds, this is what I ultimately want for myself. To become a woman of God. To give my whole heart, the entire fabric of my being, the intricacies of my essence and the fibers of my soul to Him, and Him alone.

May He make it possible for me, and you as well – Ameen.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

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The Ideal Muslim Marriage - Nikhah

The Ideal Muslim Marriage - Nikhah  --Mufti Menk

The Forgotten Blessing: Giving Your Parents the Proper Treatment They Deserve

 بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
 In the Name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.


Striving Muslimah




“Ali, please come downstairs and eat”, calls Haleema, his mother, for the third time. “In a minute MUM, I’m busy, you’re so difficult.. gosh.. just leave me alone!” followed with a loud slam of the door.

How many of us are guilty of this? It may not be the exact same words, but in some way we have all disrespected our parents, which they certainly do not deserve. Today’s youth have lost respect for their parents who worked so hard to raise them. It has become the “norm” to scream at our mothers. We make derogatory remarks and sometimes pretend like we cannot hear what they’re saying.

Just take a second to step back and reflect: the one who taught you how to walk, eat, speak – you consciously CHOOSE to ignore her?

Yet a mother’s unconditional love is like no other. No matter what her daughter or son says, she will call again. Do you know why? Not because she’s your enemy and out to “get you” or because she’s purposely trying to annoy you. It’s because she genuinely cares. She cares a whole lot, more than anyone will ever care.

When you were younger, she went hungry so you could have a full stomach. She didn’t buy anything for herself so she could spend on your toys, just to see you smile. She nursed you when you were ill, she took every blame for you to hide your faults. So why do you suddenly act like YOU are doing HER a favour by just standing in her existence? Seriously, are you for real?

Paradise is at the Feet of Mothers

You should instead be treating her like a queen and “kiss the very ground she walks on” for all the favours she’s done for you.

Subhan Allah – I don’t want to sugarcoat the reality because I’ve seen this happen with my own eyes, so don’t take offence to what I say. Unfortunately the truth is more bitter than it’s ever been. I’ve witnessed it – the endless worry and care of mothers for their children and the children’s utter disrespect and disregard for their mothers because, “It’s different now!” and “Ugh, you’ll never understand me”.

Why? Because they were never young so they obviously won’t “get you”?

This injustice is done not only to mothers but fathers too. Sometimes children become so arrogant and enveloped in their selfishness that when their parents speak to them in their native language they cleverly reply with English slang terms in attempt to humiliate their parents. I ask you today to contemplate on this. With the high status Allah (glorified and exalted be He) has given to our parents, do we even pay them an ounce of the value they are worthy of?

Here’s What You Need to Stop Doing 


Stop raising your voice
“Say not to them [so much as], ‘uff,’” [Qur'an: Chapter 17, Verse 23]. What a profound statement from the Qur’an. We should not even sigh heavily, let alone raise our voices. When your parents raise their voice at you, 9 out of 10 times they have a very good reason to do so. Don’t let shaytan fuel your anger and ego, causing you to react totally inappropriately. Stop, listen, agree and apologise – thereafter rectify your mistake, even if you think you’re right and they’re being unjust.

Stop ignoring them
 So you’re out with your friends and suddenly you see a call from “Home”. Automatically you dismiss the call. Why? Don’t want to disturb the good time you’re having with your friends, or are you embarrassed to speak to your mum and dad?Remember when you were five years old, and you decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of a supermarket? Don’t you think you embarrassed your mum then? She didn’t decide to abandon you, did she? Because at the end of the day, you’re her child and no matter what you do, she will never ever be embarrassed of you. You owe a hell of a lot to your parents.So pick up that call, and politely answer their questions. Better yet, call them a few times while you’re out. It won’t kill you – you have countless minutes to spend on your friends. So spare a few minutes on your parents and spare them imagining all sorts of horrific scenarios in their minds when you don’t pick up!

Stop thinking you’re always right
 This, for me, is one of the most loathed characteristics. Think about it logically – how much worldly experience do your parents have compared to you? Making sense yet? When discussing things with parents, remember never to reject their opinions. Believe it or not, they were young once and also made mistakes, probably the same mistake you’re about to make now, which is why they are advising against it.As the Romanian proverb goes, “Only the foolish learn from experience; the wise learn from the experience of others.” So take advantage of their knowledge, experience and wisdom that you haven’t developed yet. So next time, instead of rolling your eyes and saying, “Yeah yeah, whatever”, listen – really listen. Take it in and act upon it. You can thank them in the process too.

Here’s What You Need to Start Doing 

Start showing some gratitude
This follows on from my last point. It won’t harm you to express a word of gratitude once in a while. After all, they did clean your nappies. Parents have “bad” days too, they’re human too. And they need someone to brighten up their day at times. So be that ray of light at the end of a long day. Say “thank you”, make them smile, hug them, buy them a gift.Do this randomly and they’ll be so pleasantly surprised that the smile you put on their face won’t disappear for a long time. It’s not easy being a parent, and sometimes you think you’ve done it all wrong. By expressing some love, they’ll be reassured that they must have done something right for you to behave in such a way.

Start going out of your way to please them
If anyone on earth deserves this, it’s them. Not your friends or even your spouse, it’s your parents. Allah (glorified and exalted be He) has granted them such a high position; how can you treat them any less? Offer to help out in any way possible. Do extra tasks, massage their feet, drive them around whenever they need, help with the cooking, anything and everything which you would never do for anyone else and have to make an extra effort to do – DO IT.

Start making sincere dua for them
Every child knows that their parents mention them in every dua. Your parents wish nothing but well for you. They pray for your success. It’s time for you to replicate the favour. Pray for their wellbeing, pray for their forgiveness, pray for Jannah for them, and most importantly thank Allah (glorified and exalted be He) for them. Make this a habit in every salah. Before you mention yourself, mention them.

Make Your Parents Proud

Evidently these points are general and there are loads more that could be mentioned, but I’ve just listed the things I have personally observed to be an issue. At the end of the day, pleasing your parents will please Allah (glorified and exalted be He), there is no one on earth who deserves your mercy and compassion more than your parents.

Do them proud. If they’re happy, you’ll also be happy, and by treating them well you increase your good deeds. Lastly, never ever disrespect them. On that note, I leave you with this verse from the Qur’an:

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], ‘uff,’ [i.e., an expression of irritation or disapproval] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’” [Qur'an: Chapter 17, Verses 23-24]

May Allah (glorified and exalted be He) allow us to be kind, compassionate and caring towards our parents and earn their love, not their anger.



About the Author:

A 23-year-old IT consultant by profession but a “Striving Muslimah” by heart. Currently undergoing a career change, Striving Muslimah is pursuing primary teaching with children who are less able. She is an avid baker, a self confessed geek, and a firm believer in the proverb “wherever there is a human in need, there is an opportunity for kindness and to make a difference”.

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A Patient Mother - A Woman Of Jannah

A Patient Mother - A Woman Of Jannah ᴴᴰ ┇ Emotional ┇ Sheikh Bilal Assad...

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The Idol in the Mirror

 بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
 In the Name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
 
MashaAllah a very interesting article I read here 
Even though the author had written it in the form of a fiction,
it really made me reflect on it, how true it is......  

 
 By Humaira Khan

A Short Story
She hated him when they had disagreements. Adil was a great husband and father—most of the time. He was caring and loving and he helped her with her household chores. He loved the children—he fed them, woke up in the middle of the night to help her put the little one to sleep, and changed their diapers. But sometimes he could be extremely unreasonable and would lose his temper at the slightest provocation.

Like tonight.

Earlier in the evening, she had been running late to get dinner ready because the children were not giving her a break; they were all irritable. She wished Adil would help watch them so that she could get the cooking done, but he was on the phone.
“Okay, enough out of you two!” she said out loud, hoping Adil would hear her.
But five whole minutes passed and he didn’t come.
She found herself getting more and more frustrated. Why wasn’t he coming? How was she supposed to handle two crying children AND cook the food?!
A few minutes later, Adil strolled into the living room.
“That was Abdullah. He is in the area and wanted to know if I could go to the masjid with him for Maghrib¹ and play cricket afterwards. What do you think?”
“Whatever you want,” said Aisha, as she tried to clean up the mess in the living room. The children had quieted down and were busy eating sandwiches.
“Are you sure?” Adil didn’t seem to notice that she didn’t exactly approve of the plan.
“Yeah,” she said, carefully avoiding eye contact with him.
“Okay, but call me if you need anything.”
“What about dinner?”
“I’ll eat when I come back insha’Allah² !”
His smile was dazzling. Countless times, she had gazed at him as he smiled and thought how lucky she was to have a man like him. But this was not one of those moments.
His phone started ringing. It was Abdullah again.
“You sure you will be okay?” Adil asked Aisha.
She nodded.
He hugged them all and left with Abdullah.
Three hours later, Aisha was exhausted. The children had taken forever to sleep and she hadn’t had a break since morning. When Adil came home, she didn’t even feel like talking to him. When he tried to get her to tell him why she was upset, her reply was short and curt. Adil was furious! Why had she let him go with Abdullah in the first place if she didn’t want him to?!
A huge argument followed and Adil stormed out of the room! Aisha was seething in anger. How she hated him!
She sat rocking furiously back and forth on the glider, angry thoughts racing through her head.

How she ended up thinking of Mariam just then, she didn’t know. But her mind went back to a conversation with her best friend almost twenty years ago.
She had been sitting alone on the bench in the college courtyard, brooding, when she was startled by someone’s hand on her shoulder.
She swung around only to come face to face with Mariam. In her, Aisha had found the only person who understood her.
Mariam sat down next to her.
“Why are you sitting all alone over here, Aisha?”
“Nothing. Same old story.”
“Oh. What happened?”
“Just this girl I thought I was getting along really well with. She said something I didn’t like.”
Mariam waited for her to continue. She knew better than to interrupt when Aisha was agitated.
“I don’t understand why these things happen to me, Mariam! I mean, what did I ever do to all these people that they feel they need to be mean to me!”
“Well, what did that girl say to you?”
“I don’t remember exactly, but something about how she didn’t know I was out of town last week. She said she didn’t realize I wasn’t around because she never sees me outside of the classroom or at any events here anyway, and that it was only when someone else mentioned that I had gone to California to visit my sick aunt, that she found out I was away!”
“Poor choice of words, I agree, but—”
Aisha interrupted her: “Well, who is she to go around drawing conclusions about someone she doesn’t know! What does she know about what events I like or don’t like to attend! I wish I could think of the right thing to say when it’s needed and not later when the moment’s gone!”
“So what would you have liked to say to her?”
“I would have told her the truth, of course! That I attend all the events or parties that I am invited to. But that I cannot be there at events I haven’t received an invitation for.”
She was biting her lip.
“But why is that so important for you to clarify?” Mariam asked gently.
Aisha looked up. What was Mariam saying? Her own confused look met Mariam’s steady gaze.
“Why shouldn’t it be important?” she said, almost defensively.
“What I am asking is why do you think correcting someone’s opinion about you is so important? Do you think you can tell me in concrete terms why some acquaintance’s incorrect opinion of you is bothering you so much?”
Aisha was silent. Mariam’s question was important. Why WAS it bothering her so much? And why was she so bent on correcting it?
“I guess I want people to not misunderstand me and not make a monster out of me when I’m really not one?” Her answer wasn’t making much sense to herself either. When stated plainly, it really didn’t seem like it had been that big of an issue to begin with!
“Exactly!” Mariam’s response was a second too fast.
Aisha smiled inadvertently. “You know something I don’t, right?” she said, somewhat relieved to find herself smiling in this situation.
“How many times did you just use the words “I” or “me” in that last sentence?”
“What does that have to do with anything?!” She wished Mariam wouldn’t speak in riddles!
“Does someone else’s bad opinion of you make you a bad person? Obviously not, right? So why should that opinion be so important that it assumes center stage in your life? People have the option to find out the truth, be polite, not jump to conclusions about others but they also have the option not to. What they choose defines who THEY are, not who YOU are.”
Aisha had a look of admiration on her face. Mariam truly had the gift of eloquence!
Mariam continued: “But even that’s not what I am trying to point out to you. Sometimes we have problems not because others are judging us or misunderstanding us but because we are so focused on ourselves that everything else is diminutive in comparison. We then become more important to ourselves than even Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) and that’s where our problems begin.
“So, for example, when someone gives us an odd look, we want to know why and spend hours in agony trying to find out what’s wrong. Or when somebody disagrees with us, we find ourselves infuriated. Or when our mom tells us to do something when we are busy, we get frustrated because we, our work, our time, is more important than everything else! And when we are more important to ourselves than anybody else, our relationships are affected too, by the way we respond to what others say and do. What they say or do is not judged by its own merit, but in terms of how they say or do those things TO US! Does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” Aisha said slowly. She was staring past Mariam at some distant point, her brow wrinkled as she let that explanation sink in. Mariam was right. Aisha realized she did judge everything and everyone in terms of how those things or those people affected her. But wasn’t that how everyone else saw things too? What other point-of-view could she see things from, if not her own?
Mariam said: “I struggle with this self-centeredness, too, you know. All the time! I have to constantly remind myself!”
It seemed incredulous to Aisha that Mariam, whose understanding of the issue seemed so clear, could be struggling with it as she said.
But Mariam was speaking again: “Yes, that’s right. I struggle with this all the time! Every time I find myself getting frustrated, I know my focus is me! I know then that I need to stop making myself the center of the universe!”
“But I don’t understand! If you don’t let yourself judge things based on how they affect you, wouldn’t you be leaving yourself vulnerable to oppression?” Aisha finally managed to convey her confusion in concrete terms.
“Actually, if you are not so focused on yourself, you’ll be able to see things more clearly and deal with them more sensibly than if all you can see is you!”
Mariam’s explanation made complete sense.

It had been twenty years since she had had that conversation yet she hadn’t forgotten it. Like Mariam, she too found herself struggling to live it. Every time she found herself getting angry at her children, or mad at her husband, or frustrated with people in general, she realized that it was time for her to remind herself to stop focusing only on herself.
If her son wanted to go the bathroom one more time or her daughter wanted her to play with her just as she was trying to get dinner ready, was it their fault? If she was getting frustrated, it was because she was thinking, “Why can’t they let me do what I want to do at this time?!”
If her husband went to sleep early one day in a month because he had had a tiring day at work, she would be angry with him. “Is my day not tiring?” she would think.
If her mother-in-law didn’t appreciate her, she would be depressed and unhappy. “Why doesn’t she see my good qualities?” would be the thought in her head.
Of course this wasn’t just the case when things weren’t going well. She realized that she was happy when people praised her or spoke nicely to her. It didn’t matter whether they were right or wrong about her then; the only thing that mattered was their approval.
Mariam had been right. It was when her “self” assumed central importance in her own life, over and above everything and everyone else, that her problems really began.
Aisha took a deep breath. She realized that the issue could have been better resolved had her entire focus not been on herself alone, even if her husband’s had been on himself. If only she had let it go at that moment and not made it a matter of ego, saying, “How dare he do / say this to me!”
If she had not lost her temper then, he would have felt bad at his own conduct. And when things had calmed down, she would have had every opportunity to let him know how she felt when he had raised his voice at her. Who could he have blamed then, except himself?
Slowly, she rose from her chair. She knew what she had to do but she hesitated. Apologizing was not about lowering oneself, as she had once thought, but about admitting one’s mistake. And she had made a mistake.

It was time to repair her relationships.
She walked to the door, hesitated again, but then bravely left her room to find Adil. If he had been unreasonable, she had been unreasonable too.
Somebody needed to take that first step to put an end to such situations. And the first to do so would earn the most reward, she thought.
Besides, their relationship was worth saving. Little issues like this could assume larger-than-life proportions if not dealt with sensibly, and she didn’t want such things to stand between her and Adil.
She was sure he was sitting in the living room staring into space. She paused in the hallway as she caught sight of him doing just that. A smile escaped her. He was a good man. Sometimes she couldn’t understand how she could be so upset with him.
She glanced at the mirror hanging on the wall next to her but a thought struck her as she looked. For the next few seconds, she stared at her own reflection, thinking that this was the person who was at the center of her little universe. It didn’t seem right.
She looked towards Adil again and was surprised to find him looking at her. As she walked towards him, he stood up. Leading her by the hand, he made her sit next to him on the sofa.
Before she could say anything though, he looked straight at her and said, “I’m sorry, Aisha. I should not have spoken to you like that.”
“No, I’m sorry.” Aisha’s eyes were full of tears.
She had to explain to him how she felt and he was ready to listen, all night if he had to.