Tips to Effectively Discipline Your Children

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
In the Name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.


                                Photo by Tiffany Jill: iquitcountingstock[dot]deviantart[dot]com

This is the third and final piece of a 3-part series on having a productive household. In this section, we will discuss 7 more aspects of a productive household. These will relate to successful ways of disciplining your children more effectively without hitting or shouting.

1. Be Sensitive to Your Child’s Feelings

One of the best ways to avoid future behavioural problems is to be sensitive to your child’s feelings. Let your child know you understand how he feels, even when he has misbehaved. For example, If Abdullah comes home with a notice from school that admonishes him for speaking disrespectfully to his teacher, listen to his story and frustrations first. Let him know that you understand how he feels. Then later you can kindly follow up with instructions on how he should handle the situation in the future more appropriately. At this time, you can also proceed to dispense whatever penalties you deem suitable.

The most effective penalties are those that are implemented with respect and gentleness. Allah says in Qur’an: “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter.” [Qur’an: Chapter 3, Verse 159]

According to hadith, the Prophet said: “Whoever was given his share of gentleness, then he has been given a share of good. And whoever has been prevented from his share of gentleness, then he has been prevented from his share of good.” [Tirmidhi]

2. Use Positive Reinforcement Often

Seek out situations and behaviours in which you can commend your child. For example, when you notice Abdullah getting along with his younger sibling or completing his homework without being told, let him know how pleased you are. Such as, “Abdullah, thank you for cleaning your room without my reminding you to. Your room looks really nice.”

You will often find that encouragement leads to more successful discipline than criticism. Encouragement makes people feel good about themselves, which leads to further effort. Criticism, on the other hand, leads to feelings of despondency, which results in apathy.

3. Give Your Child Control Periodically

We all have a need to be in control of our lives and to feel important. If you find your child becoming increasingly combative and argumentative, give them a say in what goes on in the house. Make sure you provide your children with the opportunity to make their own decisions every now and then. Also, allow them to be in charge of things around the house. For children who have a stronger desire to be in control than others, grant them the extra responsibility. Consider assigning daily chores to your children. This can give them a sense of belonging and purpose. Use an incentive chart to encourage them to complete their chores on occasions they are reticent.

If your child refuses to take a bath when asked to, try offering him or her options rather than commands. For example, “Abdullah, do you want to take your bath now or in ten minutes?” Occasionally, let your child decide what dinner will be for the night or where the family should go for their weekend outing.

4. Be Fair When Disciplining

Being unfair or excessively harsh when correcting your child can sometimes lead to your child retaliating in subtle ways, such as venting his anger on younger siblings or embarrassing you in front of friends and family with disruptive behaviour.

According to hadith, the Prophet said: “Treat your children fairly, treat your children fairly.” [Nasa’i]

Another hadith states that the Prophet said: “Act equally between your children; Act equally between your sons.” [Abu Dawud]

Everyone wants to feel respected and appreciated. Treating your children justly can alleviate a host of discipline problems and helps to make them feel valued. A person who feels valued has the self-respect to adhere to established rules.

If you find you have disciplined excessively or unjustly, let your child know you are sorry. Parents can apologise too. This can teach your child that mistakes in judgment can be corrected. It can also help your child to swallow his resentful feelings that lead to excessively unruly behaviour.

5. Be Conscious of Your Stress Level

If you have been under extra stress lately, realise that your frustrations with your child might be related more to how you are feeling rather than your child’s actual misbehaviour. When you are under added stress, you tend to have less patience. You might snap at your children for things you would not ordinarily scold them about. During these periods, acknowledge your heightened tension and then decrease your stress by retreating to your room for rest. You can also relax by involving yourself in special personal time such as reading an enjoyable book or listening to Qur’an.

6. Be Aware of Your Child’s Stress Level

A child that is stressed out is less likely to be cooperative and more inclined to moodiness. Both of these actions can lead to problem behaviours. If you notice that your child is experiencing added stress, focus on relieving the stress by determining what is upsetting him or her and doing what you can to help alleviate the problems. During these stressful periods, within reason, try to overlook negligible behaviours. Focus more on finding solutions rather than punishment.

Also, keep in mind that one of the best ways of alleviating your child’s stress level is by showing your love and affection.

According to hadith, the Prophet was very loving with his grandchildren. Aisha reported, “Some Bedouin people came to the Prophet and said: ‘Do you kiss your children?’ He said: ‘Yes’. He said: ‘But we, by Allah, never kiss (our children)’. The Prophet said: ‘What can I do if Allah has taken away mercy from you?’” [Ibn Majah]

7. Determine if Your Child is Seeking Attention

Some children will attempt to seek attention in any way they can, even if it is through improper behaviour. Try to spend more time with your child if you know you have been a bit slack lately. Simply listening more and giving your full attention when he or she is talking to you can be a start. But also remember to put aside special time during the day or week to spend with your child. Make it a habit of playing games every Friday or going on outings every Saturday. Arrange a schedule that will be suitable for all family members.

The Prophet was known to spend fun time with his family. According to hadith, Aisha said that while she was on a journey along with the Messenger of Allah , “I had a race with him (the Prophet ) and I outstripped him on my feet. When I became fleshy, (again) I had a race with him (the Prophet) and he outstripped me. He said: This is for that outstripping.”  [Abu Dawud]

Establishing effective discipline techniques in your home can help parents achieve one of the most difficult yet most critical roles of a parent — that of the proper training of their children and in turn, a productive household.

Developing a productive household is an important aspect of establishing a healthy and productive society. Begin striving to improve your household habits in the manner mentioned in the three parts of this series. Be generous and kind, be patient with shortcomings, be committed to an intact family, and most important of all, remain faithful and dedicated to pleasing Your Lord. In sha Allah, you will see a more positive and fruitful home in the future.

If these tips have helped or if you have some more tips to share, let us know in the comments below!

 Read the other parts: (Part 1 | Part 2)

About the Author:

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 10 grandchildren. She has taught at an Islamic School in Los Angeles, California for over thirty years. She is the author of Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child– And Keep Your Peace of Mind While at It. To order her e-book or subscribe to her free newsletter, visit her website at: www.grandmajeddah.com

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 بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
 In the Name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.


Striving Muslimah




“Ali, please come downstairs and eat”, calls Haleema, his mother, for the third time. “In a minute MUM, I’m busy, you’re so difficult.. gosh.. just leave me alone!” followed with a loud slam of the door.

How many of us are guilty of this? It may not be the exact same words, but in some way we have all disrespected our parents, which they certainly do not deserve. Today’s youth have lost respect for their parents who worked so hard to raise them. It has become the “norm” to scream at our mothers. We make derogatory remarks and sometimes pretend like we cannot hear what they’re saying.

Just take a second to step back and reflect: the one who taught you how to walk, eat, speak – you consciously CHOOSE to ignore her?

Yet a mother’s unconditional love is like no other. No matter what her daughter or son says, she will call again. Do you know why? Not because she’s your enemy and out to “get you” or because she’s purposely trying to annoy you. It’s because she genuinely cares. She cares a whole lot, more than anyone will ever care.

When you were younger, she went hungry so you could have a full stomach. She didn’t buy anything for herself so she could spend on your toys, just to see you smile. She nursed you when you were ill, she took every blame for you to hide your faults. So why do you suddenly act like YOU are doing HER a favour by just standing in her existence? Seriously, are you for real?

Paradise is at the Feet of Mothers

You should instead be treating her like a queen and “kiss the very ground she walks on” for all the favours she’s done for you.

Subhan Allah – I don’t want to sugarcoat the reality because I’ve seen this happen with my own eyes, so don’t take offence to what I say. Unfortunately the truth is more bitter than it’s ever been. I’ve witnessed it – the endless worry and care of mothers for their children and the children’s utter disrespect and disregard for their mothers because, “It’s different now!” and “Ugh, you’ll never understand me”.

Why? Because they were never young so they obviously won’t “get you”?

This injustice is done not only to mothers but fathers too. Sometimes children become so arrogant and enveloped in their selfishness that when their parents speak to them in their native language they cleverly reply with English slang terms in attempt to humiliate their parents. I ask you today to contemplate on this. With the high status Allah (glorified and exalted be He) has given to our parents, do we even pay them an ounce of the value they are worthy of?

Here’s What You Need to Stop Doing 


Stop raising your voice
“Say not to them [so much as], ‘uff,’” [Qur'an: Chapter 17, Verse 23]. What a profound statement from the Qur’an. We should not even sigh heavily, let alone raise our voices. When your parents raise their voice at you, 9 out of 10 times they have a very good reason to do so. Don’t let shaytan fuel your anger and ego, causing you to react totally inappropriately. Stop, listen, agree and apologise – thereafter rectify your mistake, even if you think you’re right and they’re being unjust.

Stop ignoring them
 So you’re out with your friends and suddenly you see a call from “Home”. Automatically you dismiss the call. Why? Don’t want to disturb the good time you’re having with your friends, or are you embarrassed to speak to your mum and dad?Remember when you were five years old, and you decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of a supermarket? Don’t you think you embarrassed your mum then? She didn’t decide to abandon you, did she? Because at the end of the day, you’re her child and no matter what you do, she will never ever be embarrassed of you. You owe a hell of a lot to your parents.So pick up that call, and politely answer their questions. Better yet, call them a few times while you’re out. It won’t kill you – you have countless minutes to spend on your friends. So spare a few minutes on your parents and spare them imagining all sorts of horrific scenarios in their minds when you don’t pick up!

Stop thinking you’re always right
 This, for me, is one of the most loathed characteristics. Think about it logically – how much worldly experience do your parents have compared to you? Making sense yet? When discussing things with parents, remember never to reject their opinions. Believe it or not, they were young once and also made mistakes, probably the same mistake you’re about to make now, which is why they are advising against it.As the Romanian proverb goes, “Only the foolish learn from experience; the wise learn from the experience of others.” So take advantage of their knowledge, experience and wisdom that you haven’t developed yet. So next time, instead of rolling your eyes and saying, “Yeah yeah, whatever”, listen – really listen. Take it in and act upon it. You can thank them in the process too.

Here’s What You Need to Start Doing 

Start showing some gratitude
This follows on from my last point. It won’t harm you to express a word of gratitude once in a while. After all, they did clean your nappies. Parents have “bad” days too, they’re human too. And they need someone to brighten up their day at times. So be that ray of light at the end of a long day. Say “thank you”, make them smile, hug them, buy them a gift.Do this randomly and they’ll be so pleasantly surprised that the smile you put on their face won’t disappear for a long time. It’s not easy being a parent, and sometimes you think you’ve done it all wrong. By expressing some love, they’ll be reassured that they must have done something right for you to behave in such a way.

Start going out of your way to please them
If anyone on earth deserves this, it’s them. Not your friends or even your spouse, it’s your parents. Allah (glorified and exalted be He) has granted them such a high position; how can you treat them any less? Offer to help out in any way possible. Do extra tasks, massage their feet, drive them around whenever they need, help with the cooking, anything and everything which you would never do for anyone else and have to make an extra effort to do – DO IT.

Start making sincere dua for them
Every child knows that their parents mention them in every dua. Your parents wish nothing but well for you. They pray for your success. It’s time for you to replicate the favour. Pray for their wellbeing, pray for their forgiveness, pray for Jannah for them, and most importantly thank Allah (glorified and exalted be He) for them. Make this a habit in every salah. Before you mention yourself, mention them.

Make Your Parents Proud

Evidently these points are general and there are loads more that could be mentioned, but I’ve just listed the things I have personally observed to be an issue. At the end of the day, pleasing your parents will please Allah (glorified and exalted be He), there is no one on earth who deserves your mercy and compassion more than your parents.

Do them proud. If they’re happy, you’ll also be happy, and by treating them well you increase your good deeds. Lastly, never ever disrespect them. On that note, I leave you with this verse from the Qur’an:

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], ‘uff,’ [i.e., an expression of irritation or disapproval] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’” [Qur'an: Chapter 17, Verses 23-24]

May Allah (glorified and exalted be He) allow us to be kind, compassionate and caring towards our parents and earn their love, not their anger.



About the Author:

A 23-year-old IT consultant by profession but a “Striving Muslimah” by heart. Currently undergoing a career change, Striving Muslimah is pursuing primary teaching with children who are less able. She is an avid baker, a self confessed geek, and a firm believer in the proverb “wherever there is a human in need, there is an opportunity for kindness and to make a difference”.

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